I’m doing this a little early this year. I want to get it out of the way, but only because I want to be sure it gets done. The next few weeks will be busy and I don’t want to forget.

I’m going to reflect on the year first, but if you’re just interested in what I’m working on next, that’s cool, too– scroll on down to Looking ahead.

This has been a wild year

I officially (re)launched this writing project on January 10th. This will be my 43rd post/newsletter this year. I had honestly hoped for more, and hopefully I can squeeze out a couple more before a full year has cycled back around, but I can say I’m pretty proud of myself for this. I’ve sent out enough words that once compiled would equal the length of a novel, and I’ve sent it all out for free, because I enjoy doing it. Some of it’s personal, some of it’s weird, some of it’s (I daresay) insightful.

Between my numerous health scares and hospitalizations and surgeries and the goddamned zeitgeist, I’m shocked I was able to squeeze out this much writing.

I’m proud of myself.

Those words aren’t easy for my to write. I am not typically filled with a lot of self-respect or self-worth, and if you ever thought I was, you should know now that it was all an act. Though it’s something I’ve been working on lately. But it’s not an empty self-affirmation, either, it’s a truth. I am proud of myself for this.

I’ve been assessed for depression multiple times in the past, along with my other neurodivergences. I’m neurospicy in multiple ways, and my neuropsych is absolutely fascinated by my brain apparently, but I don’t have depression. I have such a desire to live. In the past that has been a difficult prospect. I find joy and beauty in the world and in my life, and it’s the feeling that things are always out of grasp that sometimes makes it difficult much of the time, but I’m determined. I was told I have a melancholy disposition, but not depression, and it made a lot of sense to me. I’m anxious. Not depressed, though. I think it’s the cPTSD. It looks a bit like depression, but that’s not what it is. It’s like a weight at times that just drags things down, especially in context of that goddamned zeitgeist.

Do you feel the weight of the goddamned zeitgeist?

I think a lot of us do. I know a lot of us do.

That’s why I’m writing this at the moment. I’ve never been one to do self-affirmations. And I certainly don’t write them down.

I’m saying them. I’m feeling them. Sometimes I don’t feel it till I say it. Sometimes I don’t feel it after I say it and I discard it. I try again later.

Shit’s hard y’all. It’s okay to admit that shit’s hard.
But also, shit stinks and I want to wash that off.

It takes work. It takes effort. It takes labor.
I’m so tired.
But it’s worth it.

I’m worth it.
You’re worth it.
We’re worth it.

I used to just try to be grateful. I’ve written a little about this, about feeling selfish and that I shouldn’t have wants blah blah blah. I don’t want to be grateful anymore. I mean, I do, but only when it’s genuine.

I slept over at a friend’s the other night, and whenever I do, they have a tradition that their guests “pull a card.” My card told me to imagine myself at the top of the mountain. I don’t remember why the mountain. I do remember that it told me to drop the performative stuff. I told my friend that I don’t think I do a lot of that. They told me, didn’t you just tell me earlier that you apologize all the time, even when things aren’t your fault?

Oh.

Oh, I get it.

Sorry.

Oops.

I feel like it’s the same with gratitude. We’re told to be grateful for what we have, but not to be greedy. And like, yeah. But also, sometimes it’s not enough, you know? You deserve to want things, to want more, to want better.

And I don’t think I need to explain that I’m not talking about the wants that are programmed into us by the architects of our capitalist society to feed into the consumerist mindset. I’m talking about depth, connection, self-worth, meaningful relationships, and fulfilling genuine want and desire.

We’re allowed to want things.
We’re allowed to desire things.
And we’re allowed to actually try to reach out and grab those things.

We can imagine Oliver asking, “Please sir, I want some more,” and only ever feel empathy for the poor boy, but when it comes to ourselves? We don’t expect Oliver to sit down and be grateful, so why should we?

I wrote a bunch of posts this year and y’all have been sticking with me through them, even through the messy posts like these. That’s fucking awesome. I love that you’re along for this ride. It truly brings me joy.

You know what else is awesome?

Learning this year that I’m allowed to want things.
Allowing myself to take some pride in myself.
And going after these things.

Next year, the first things on my list of plans are going to have to do with the things I *want*.

But also, I’m not sure I’ve ever made a list of plans before. So, this feels weird and exciting. Is this the excitement my spouse feels when they create a spreadsheet listing all of our books or something?

Let me share some of these plans toward things I want.

Looking ahead

I can’t account for the goddamned zeitgeist, and this isn’t a list of resolutions. I prefer New Year’s revolutions, anyway. New year, new you, new Revoluciana, or something like that. This is simply some stuff I’m looking toward in the next year.

More posts/newsletters

Obviously. Can’t wait for a whole new year of this!

Zines

I’ve been working on distributing my writing in the form of physical zines to bookstores and other venues who have thus far been very excited to carry my work. I am planning to do as much more of this in the coming year as I can. I would love to be able to send some out to y’all, as well, but I’m still working out the best way to make that work.

Multiple books (kind of)

Look. I need to commit to one, because I’m too fragmented to juggle multiple right now while also doing everything else I’m attempting to do.

Film development

I have a new film that I’m tentatively talking about developing, but I’m still assessing. Right now I’m not being super public about the details, but if I move forward on this, I’ll be so excited to let y’all know. You’d love it. And honestly, if I do move forward with it, I’ll need y’all’s help. And it would involve a lot of travel, which means I could meet up with a lot of you! But also, traveling is not simple for a trans girl right now, and it’s only getting worse, and that’s honestly one of the largest barriers to this project. I’m hopeful, but hesitant. We’ll see.

Auxiliary stuff

I announced a while back that I was planning to record the newsletter as podcasts for accessibility and other reasons. I am still planning this, but with all of my health issues this year, among other things, I’ve not yet been able to incorporate this; however, it is a priority for me.

Fun things

Okay, so, aside from the big stuff, I also want to some other things this coming year:

• I want to spend time seeing live music. I miss live music.
• I want to commit more time to reading books, especially those written by my friends and family.
• I want to spend much more time learning and playing my mandolin, *Ursula K. Mandolin*.
• I want a cleaner house, and I want so much of it fixed.
• I want a fire pit this summer out by my garden swing
• I have fabric, but I can’t find my pedal for the sewing maching. I’m wanting to sew some wool skirts for the winter.
• I have given up all of my video game stuff to the kids. I want my own video game setup so I can play. I miss playing video games sometimes.
• I’ve been playing chess lately, some correspondence games with friends. I want to keep that going.
• I want to get out to more mutual aid groups and protests this year
• I want to spend more time with people, especially friends, in person, or at least over video chat for those that are too far away.
• I really want a good mutton/lamb vindaloo recipe. It’s one of my favorites and I’ve never found a recipe I’ve been happy with.
• I truly miss traveling, and I’d like to do more, but I’m not sure how that would work in the next year, but hey, it’s going on my list as a want, for the future if not next year.

It’s funny. You write it out like that and it doesn’t seem so selfish or unreasonable.

I started keeping a list so I don’t put them out of my mind out of habit. I feel better about myself when I want things. Less melancholy. It makes me almost feel like I deserve to have the things I want. Maybe not all of them, but at least some of them.

I’m curious what you want this next year, or if you already have plans, I would love to hear them. I’m new to this whole wanting thing. Give me some ideas.

Share your joy.
If not me, with someone.
Even if that someone is yourself.
You deserve it.
We deserve it.

Or else what are we all doing?

no ends, only means